The Problem with not being black enough: A Perspective on Race

What.

I want to talk about race. Mainly because this is one subject where voices can be muddled or hushed in an effort to keep things the way that they are. It's uncomfortable to talk about race and privilege because when it gets down to the nitty gritty it shows us the worst in ourselves. We hide our prejudices because prejudice by its very nature is ugly, uncomfortable, and spiteful. Yet in order to heal, we must bring our experiences, ALL of our experiences to the table. In an effort to share, to understand, and most importantly to begin the healing process of deep deep wounds, we must talk.

I will start by telling my experience through what I call my "three phases" of understanding my race, my culture, and what that meant for my life. I pray that by diving into each phase, I can contribute to the already growing table of conversations that are attempting to heal.

Phase 1: My unique experience of being "okay" black and the trouble with believing it.

My life has been full of an all access pass to white culture. Growing up my school was predominantly white, my church was predominately white, and my friends where...you guess it predominantly white. I was a lighter black child that spoke with proper English. My point is, I fit in and I fit in well. As I got older, I saw that even though they did not say it directly, my friends and their parents considered me "okay" black. They did not mind me playing with there children or spending the night. It would seem that this would mean the issue of race would be non-existent in my world.

The opposite is true. Often, because my friends' parents considered me to be "okay" black they would not mind saying other racist things in my presence. People thought for sure that I would understand when they stereotyped because thankfully "I was not like that". And honestly, deep down I bought it. This gave me the impression that I wasn't black enough. I retreated further and further away from my own culture not only because it gave me acceptance but my black friends solidified it. I was teased for not knowing the proper slang and for not knowing the latest rap song. Often when I was with my family they would tell me to "come back" because I spoke proper and with a hint of valley girl. In response, I took on the everyone is equal approach. I chose to believe that people were usually overreacting when they talked about racism that affected their daily lives. We all were equal and if I could fit in so could everyone else.

Phase 2: The realization that my life was not in a bubble and that racial issues where MY issues.

It is no secret that questions of racial injustice in this country have been brought to light in in the last few years. There have been many forums, marches, media specials, and Facebook debates on the issue. At first, I kept believing the same lie. The lie that the justice system is fair and people are equal. I was not naive enough to believe racism did not exist, I just believed that the problem was a lot smaller than what the media and people around me were projecting,

It wasn't until I stepped back and listened to the voice of those who were marginalized that I started the process of understanding. Actually listening to the pain of people who looked like me, this is when I had what I call my AWAKENING. What caused this change of thinking? Two words: Systematic Racism. I started to realize in my senior year of college through research, listening to others, and my own life experiences that privilege and racism were not only alive but it was everywhere.

Systematic racism is a bigger and harder pill to swallow than individual racism. Not only is it everywhere, but it is so large and so ingrained that it becomes disheartening to those who seek to conquer it. I stared to realize that the very idea that I was only "okay" black because I was NOT like someone else is an example of privilege. I started to realize that simple because people could say really hurtful things about people who looked like me in my presence, an underlying blatant disregard for my self-esteem and my culture existed. I started to realize that my discomfort for my hair in its natural condition was a product of sublimely being told that my heritage was not good enough, not professional enough, and needed to be changed. You see, it was not until discovering the depth of systematic racism that I began to understand the fear, the pain, and the hurt that many black people before me and after me have felt in America. This left me devastated and silent.

My awakening birth in me a deep fear on two fronts. 1) I was afraid that I would have to keep this to myself because everyone I knew and cared about wouldn't understand. Afraid that they would accuse me of being "one of those" that pulls the race card. I knew the arguments because I had made the arguments. 2) I was afraid now that because I was aware of the divide, I had the potential to be a victim. I started to wonder about my nephews and my brother becoming the victims of injustice. To quote a friend of mine, "We are only one stop sign away from becoming a hashtag." I fear.

Phase 3: What Now? Trying to change the conversation.

But beyond the fear, is hope. The beauty of the human race is our ability to have compassion. I have hope that one day, my brothers and sisters won't have to fear. I have hope that with taking the steps to have a conversation that we can move pass the hate. It's going to take time though. This is a big monster we are tackling. Do not let anyone fool you to think that it is simply a lizard, racism in this country is a freaking dinosaur. I'm talking Jurassic World, genetically enhanced, Indominous Rex sized problem. Yet, we can do it. It starts now and it starts with accepting that we are not all equal. Yet, that's okay. Our diversity is beautiful and we should praise it not destroy it.

That's what I'm leaving you with. Go out and start a conversation. Allow yourself to be in someone's shoes. Listen to where they are coming from. Try to understand their pain without telling them that the pain does not exist. Only then can we start to conquer the dinosaur.